{So you can cook your own version of Thanksgiving dinner [that's what I did on that Friday I couldn't remember] only to have them cry or jump on the couch while you and your husband try to enjoy it}
I stole this topic from this new blog that explored the question recently. I feel awkward leaving a comment on that blog because I used to date that guy. I actually don't read his posts and have stopped reading their love story emails because it's overall pretty awkward. But the other posts by his wife are inspiring and refreshing to me. Plus, her style? Come on!
Moving on. Why have kids? I hadn't thought about it before I had either of my kids. I grew up Mormon (and am still Mormon, of course) and it's what I was conditioned to expect as the normal course of events. I'd grow up, get married, and have kids.
But then! Noah came. And I realized I didn't want to do it anymore. Have kids. I can't wipe butts for 10 more years. I just can't!
One part says, "To you will be born children that will be a crown of joy to you, and it will be your responsibility to teach them, especially in their early years, the great truths of the gospel to give them a foundation for life's challenges." I can't tell you how many times I get totally fed up being home all day with my kids. When I reach that point, I have one of two elaborate fantasies: running away to a deserted tropical island or getting a full-time office job. Neither of those things would solve anything, though. Running away would have so many bad consequences (mostly for my marriage - my kids would probably be fine), I wouldn't even get to baggage claim before I'd turn around and run right back home. Getting an office job (or just some kind of "out of the home" job) would also solve nothing. It would add one more huge stress onto my already full plate of stress. I don't need that. I can't handle that. And more than anything, I am a jealous mother and do not want anyone else being in charge of my kids. I would probably end up punching that daycare worker before I'd pay her. But here I am still, getting fed up on a very regular basis with all that comes with daily, never-ending childcare. So, what do I do? I cling to the phrase, "ESPECIALLY IN THEIR EARLY YEARS." This is a time frame I can deal with. I know that my babies won't always be babies. I KNOW that and yet I don't see it most days. But if I remember this phrase, I know I can do it. I can be here for them in their early, formative years. After that ... well, then comes me.
Which leads me to the next part of my patriarchal blessing, "You have your free agency to make your goals a reality." Ahhhh, if there's any part of God's plan that I am totally in love with and believe in, it's agency. I love it! I love that He trusts us. I need that kind of freedom, I thrive on that kind of freedom. So this line is rather empowering to me because I have goals. Goals that I am excited about. Goals that get me out of bed in the morning. Goals that remind me I'm not just an arm that can reach back behind the passenger side seat to reach a lost pretzel on the floor while changing lanes, shifting gears, and putting on chapstick. BOOM. AKA Supermom.
So, to answer these questions for myself: why have kids? I don't know. But is there life after kids? Yes, I do believe there is.
I'd love to know why you have or had kids. And are you that magical mother who can see the forest through the trees? Because I'm pretty sure I'm blind when it comes to that.
(And please don't comment on my Facebook page about this blog post because then Former Flame would see it [because we are friends on Facebook] and that would just be awkward because he'd know I stole their blog topic. All around awkward. And, yes, I could block him from seeing some things on FB, but I don't have time to figure that out because, you guessed it, naptime is over and my child waiteth!)
11 comments:
Wow! What an insightful post. I have had those same thoughts about wiping bums and doing laundry for the next HUNDRED years!! And I am definitely worse at parenting than I thought I'd be. It is a struggle. But it is also the most joyful thing in the world. For me, having kids was something I always wanted. I guess growing up in a houseful of family was the beginning of that desire for me. And having tried to have kids for almost 6 years before they actually came, gives me perspective, when I remember it. On those days when I am just losing it, I TRY to think of all the heartache and grief I went through to be a mother and it helps. Now that we are having #3 I think I might go insane, but then I look around me and see that there are millions of women that have done it and not gone insane (to the naked eye that is. lol.)
I remember when my mother was leaving after her 3 day visit with us after Zeke was born that I started to cry with worry about how I was going to do it. How would I do it? How could I be a mother to 2 children? My mom just said, "Oh, you'll be fine. You'll just do it and it will be fine." Like, no biggie!
Anyhow, this comment is extremely long. But I think overall, it's because we know who we are and what God's plan is. Our purpose in life is to bring spirits to the earth to gain bodies and our job is to teach them the truth. And to me, there is no sweeter moment than looking into my husband's eyes when one of our children does something incredibly cute. We don't even have to speak words, but the joy and love is palpable.
I love that you bore your soul in this post. I can guarantee you that every Mom has felt how you feel right now at some point in their lives. But, trust me, the forest clears and you eventually see the light through the trees. Especially, when they start going to school. It seems like its forever from now, but it goes by so fast. I can't believe my boys spend 6 hours at school 5 days a week, away from me. The first day of school I cried my eyes out, but now I relish my 6 hours of freedom. I've learned that it's just life. It sounds like you need to take some serious "Martha" time. Make sure you get that once a week. Sometimes being Mormon; we have such high standards. We have to remember we are only human. ") It's OK, not to be supermom all the time. But, I know you know that. :)
Why have kids? I think it's because we all need someone and family is always there. If we don't have family, what are we left with? A big empty house with no one to share it with. I always apologize to my mom after my kids ransack her home when we go visit her, but she always tells me that she wouldn't have it any other way. She loves the mess and wishes she had it more often. I always try to remember her perspective.
Leah and I are trying to keep an open mind about going for #3. I heard an interesting podcast freakonomics that had some economist contributor that had written a book called Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids. Some good points were made. One of the most salient to me was that the tough years are pretty short (and don't need to be as tough as we make it for ourselves as parents), but the years when they're out of the house and visiting for the holidays will yield much satisfactio and happiness. Decent food for thought.
How about this Martha...
You have kids so that your friends can see how great it'll be to have a little baby girl and hope she is as cute as yours. Seriously...Sienna was the first little girl I ever met that made me think...maybe having girls could be better than boys...or at least as good ;)
I think that we have kids to make us think of somebody else's well being besides our own. We have children to learn what it is like to love someone the same way that our Heavenly father and our Savior love us. We definitely sacrifice a lot of ourselves and give up a lot of things that we would love to do for our children but It is so worth it. Wiping butts sucks and I think that potty training sucks worse. There are a lot of things that make it difficult but it is the difficult things in life that help us be better people. Your kids are some of the best little creatures that I have ever seen.
I also think that as parents (mostly Mothers) one of the best things we can do for ourselves is "Quit while we're ahead" . God commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth but he didn't say that we had to do it by ourselves. You know yourself, you know what you can handle physically, mentally and so on. If you don't want more then don't have more. You know me. I will never tell someone they should have lots of kids. I got a lot of CRAP for only having 2. So many snide comments. People don't know that I almost died after having both of my children. Most people think that I was just selfish and didn't WANT any more. Just because you are a Mormon does not mean you have to have a lot of kids. God gave me two very fun but very intense and mostly difficult children. I love them but thought that I was going to either kill them or myself when they were younger. It does get better and more fun. Those baby years are tedious. You will find you Niche in parenting. I wasn't a good mom during those Toddler and baby years but I love being a mom now. I love my kids ages. You will have a life again and it will happen sooner than you think. Just remember that it is better to be a good Mom to 2 than a bad mom to 6. Also the more stressed and tense you are the more stressed and tense your kids will be. This is not a Dire situatuin that you are in. You have all the talents and strength that you need for what you have. Your parents are great & wonderful people. They raised a cool child and you are a great Mom.
Have regular date nights with Adam and you will feel better. Love you.
AMen to what Carrie said. Like Aaaaa MEN! I have to admit that I love having little kids. Do you hate me a little for that? Of course I can relate to you, because it's so dang repetitive and thankless and exhausting, but it hasn't been until recently that I've had this secret feeling of just wanting to skip this phase--of wishing away this never-ending stress that I'm feeling. I want my baby to be older and done with all that we've had to deal with. It makes me feel guilty, because there's that other side of me that wants them never to grow up. But like Carrie (Karrie?) said, the point, I think, from God's birds eye view, is to open our hearts and teach us love in a way that we could never possibly understand any other way. To teach us sacrifice, and hard work, and man. I guess I just feel like your life sort of begins when you have kids. You begin to experience things on a whole new level.
I think you're a great mom, (not that you were asking), and I also think every woman is entitled to set her own limits.
I also know exactly what you mean about life after kids. Oh my goodness, there are so many things I will do at that point. I have so many ambitions and somedays building up that when that time comes I'll just hit the ground running.
I asked Shawn why we had kids and he said, "because it was the thing to do.". "Because of the culture pressure," I asked? "No, it felt like the thing to do just like engineering felt like the thing to do." Good succinct answer.
For me, I had kids (and you know I am all about selfish reasons) because I felt like I had progressed as far as I could without them and it was time for the next phase. (Of course, I think I would have been relieved if we weren't able to have kids).
I know that I am supposed to have kids.My patriarchal blessing even says "remember you have made a covenant to bring children in to the world".
so much guilt.
Yet I can not see myself as a mother.
So I can learn to let go of my selfish desires and learn to care for someone else, in a way that I've never done before and couldn't learn the same way through anything else. And to bring God's children into the world and give them a loving home. I'm in agreement that you have to be sensitive to different people's circumstances and never judge them because of how many kids they do or don't have. I've looked at the prophets amount of kids and it varies from 1 or 2 kids (president Monson) to 6, 7 or more. It's a very personal decision and one I don't think should be taken lightly. Certain children sometimes need a lot more attention than others. (Like mine I feel!)
Also, so they can take care of me when I'm old and I'm the one who needs my diaper changed! He he.
Martha, I think it's great that you have your priorities straight. I don't think in your future years, you will wish you had left your kids more and pursued other things while they were young. I'm really trying to simplify. This past year has been WAY too busy for me and I really haven't been there like I should for my kids and they really need me right now, so I've shortened all my lessons, raised my prices and quit a few activities in the hopes that I can BE THERE for my kids.
I know motherhood is exhausting. Occasionally (sometimes more than occasionally) wonder where these kids came from and when the real mom is going to show up. But I have to admit that I have kids because they are cute! They are stinkin' cute and it makes me hurt to think how lucky I am to have them love me.
Oh, and that whole commandment thing. I know if God tells us to do something it must be for our happiness, so I trust and keep pluggin' along.
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