So, here's what's baffling to me. Maybe I would want to have it all if I saw how it could be done. Because some women are definitely having it all ... or they are creating the appearance of having it all and doing a mighty fine job of flubbing it. Some women work and have children. It's not new; in fact it's the norm. But am I missing something? I mean, okay, remove the women who have to work; I'm also not talking about the women who work full time and put their kids in daycare. I'm talking about the women who are choosing to work from home while raising their kids all on their own while their husband is at work. They don't necessarily have to work, or maybe they have to supplement the income a tad. These women have figured out how to have it all. They balance nap time with work time. They hang out with their kids when it's hang out time. They make dinner, they grocery shop, they clean house, they wipe snotty noses, they go outside and play in the leaves.
And they make me tired.
It's a compelling lifestyle. Truly, it is. It sounds perfect. Really, it does. So far in my six months of momhood, I can see how, with one child, it could be done. It could be done if Sienna had perfect naps every day. It could be done if she adhered to a perfect schedule and rarely wanted attention. It could be done if she slept through the night every night. But she doesn't do any of those things. On the rare day that all those things fall into place, I have oodles of time on my hands and mucho energy. On the "otherwise" days, I'll be the first to admit, I can't do it all and I certainly wouldn't feign interest in having it all.
I hear with passing time I'll be more busy, and of course with more children I'll be pleeeenty busy, like unto a chicken sans head. But that isn't an issue with the have-it-all-moms. They find the time, they make the time, they emit the energy - however scant - and they just do it. And they seem to love it.
But do they love it? Because, let's be honest, whatever the facade, something's gotta give, right? There are still only 24 hours in each human's day and if you're filling them with one thing it means you're not filling them with another thing. If you're tending to the boss, maybe your kid is crying; if you're playing with the kids, maybe your boss is waiting on you. Can you win in this situation? Is this a win-win-win? Boss, mom, kids? All winning?
I don't know. That's why I need to hear it from you.
Are you doing it all and having it all? If so, how? And, the zinger, are you happy about all of it? And maybe take the boss out of the equation because mom and boss are synonymous, aka, you are your own boss. Is that working out?
Because I consider myself an ambitious and capable person, yet when it comes to having it all, I’d prefer to just do what I know I can handle. I set limits because I know my own limits. I know I need balance and exercise and at least somewhat decent sleep. I need blog time, news time, book time, plan proper meals time, clean time, shopping time, cook time, scripture study and prayer time and on top of all of that husband and daughter time (which I try to keep in ample supply). There have been times in my life when I tried to do it all. And I was a complete hag and totally unhappy. Overscheduled and overambitious Marthy = atrocious, unhappy Marthy.
What are your thoughts on having it all?
8 comments:
Oohhh, first to weigh in! I once thought I would dedicate an entire blog to this subject...remember Stay-At-Home Feminism??? Maybe you don't. Anyway, big subject, so little space, SOOOO much to say.
I work for two reasons: 1 - so my hubby can have two days off a week while we are still paying for that blasted house in Idaho. and 2 - because the times I've tried to be a true non-income earning SHAM, have bee the hardest, darkest times of my mothering career. For me, it's not the money coming in that is important, but I have to have that professional stimulation of the noodle or I go bonkers. But that's just me, it works for me, but I think everyone has to find their own balance and I would never say that what works for me should work for everyone. After all, because I work, I don't have an adorably decorated house. My island centerpiece is still filled with last winter's decor, My halloween decorations were all made by my children at school and I have made valences, but never curtains for my main floor. And while that's been an ok tradeoff for me, the lack of window dressing might drive other homemakers bonkers. And I am sincere when I say - who's to judge which is better!
Meh. I'm not interested. Sounds like too much work to me.
Also, I don't think there IS such a thing as having it all. Really, I don't. Kind of like the ridiculous notion that you can have "the best of both worlds" - you can't. You always sacrifice something when you try to have it all.
Well according to your definition I don't have it all but am I happy yes. Sure I wish I could get more acknowledgement for the things I do in my life or at home but nobody knows what I am doing in the walls of home besides my two year olds and my husband (when he is home) so not receiving the worldly applause gets tough. But God knows what I am doing, and being a mother is the greatest calling I could ever have. I am like fig, I just don't think I COULD do it all, work outside the home or inside and keep up with the kids and daily house hold chores. My cup runneth over already and I don't have any outside hobbies or businesses that take me out of the house. I hope Martha you can find your happiness. I am still working on enjoying MOMMY life everyday but it is getting better.
Ah,this very subject has been on my mind for the last week. I get asked every now again why I don't sell _____ or how I should market_______, or whatever...you know, work from home. Start a small in-home business. The truth is, I would love to! But there's no time. Well, let me rephrase that---because there's ALWAYS time. But like you said, you do one thing, and something else goes. That's a principle as true and old as the hills. SO. FOR ME, "having it all" involves sitting my kids in front of the TV, or finding one distraction after another so I can get "work" done. I'm here with them, and I'm aware of what they're doing, and taking care of their basic needs, yes. But I'm also giving my full attention to something else, and letting lots of learning moments or just tender moments fall by the wayside. Josie becomes a terrible creature because she feels that my mind is somewhere else, and I feel it too. I don't have the patience I need to react in a loving way. So for me, it's not worth it. This for me isn't happy because I don't feel balanced. Obviously the creative process for me IS a priority, and I know that I will always make time for it (or whatever it is that makes you feel sane and happy--is that a little work from home for you?) but I MUST keep it in constant check of what's most important to me. That means I don't have time to expand upon or do something with all the ideas etc around in my head. That is until I become incredibly efficient with my time, or my kids start sleeping in a perfect schedule etc. (possibly there are women out there who DO have this mastered?!?) Sometimes I do bemoan the fact that that time may not come for a long long time, but MOST of the time just balancing mothering, housework, my hobbies and all other duties is enough to make me feel happy and complete. When it's not, it USUALLY means that a)I'm tired, or b) I've not been balanced i.e. spent too much time cleaning or too much time sewing. I think i've probably already said all of this to you before, but you know, as my mom says, take whatever is good, and leave the rest.
You'll figure it out.
-Mim
If your idea of having it all is being able to work as well as be a mom, then we have different views on life. I loved working when I did. But now I love being a mom. I have had some opportunities for work come along since I have had Eve...all of which could be done with her near me. However, the thought of someone besides Eve or Russell placing demands on my time and schedule just did not sound appealing at all. I do not want to work. I mean, working as a mother and doing dishes and laundry and dinner, etc, is work enough. And I do not want to screw up my priorities by becoming a working mom. I want to spend time with my child and other children that will come along. I do not want to add any outside work to the things that I already have to do to maintain a household. I don't know if this makes sense but I hope it does. I think that for the next quite a few years it will be a constant battle to balance everything and that is without an outside "job." I just wanna do the best I can for my family.
Man, this is something I think about ALL the freaking time. I have decided that for me its HARD to "do it all". About 6 mos ago my job prior to Madeleine's birth offered me my job back with the added bonus of working from home. I jumped at it because I enjoy working and these silly med school loans are piling up! On paper it should have all added up and worked perfectly but when my kiddo is napping or asleep for the night pretty much the last thing I feel like doing is working! Its just one more thing hanging over my head on my to do list. Besides that I feel like others have said, I sacrifice other things. I had been praying for everything to work out- that I would be able to find balance- to do it all-and a few days later I got fired. I felt relieved and have since decided that for me, I'll take being a happy mom and wife and know that that is really what makes me happy and feel complete!
I should add that I don't think less of moms who choose to work (or work out of necessity). Chances are that I'll be a working mother sometimes, for either reason. We should do whatever we need to for our families and for our own personal fulfillment.
I just think you can't give all of yourself to more than one thing. So your career, once you have kids, will never be just like it was before the kids. Likewise your mothering, once you go to work, won't be the same as before.
I have no personal experience on the subject, but I did work as a nanny during college for a busy professor and her surgeon husband. They had 3 little ones under the age of 6, and their home was always chaos. My job was to play with the kids, get them bathed, and put them to bed. Usually the mother was home when I was there, but she was answering phone calls, making dinner or doing laundry. I always thought we should switched our tasks, so she was with the kids while I did the cooking/cleaning. The kids certainly would have liked it. When the husband had a rare night at home, he'd usually play with the kids, but he and his wife rarely had a moment alone. I never saw them hug or kiss.
On the other hand, many non-working moms have lost their identity apart from their kids. My mother-in-law has nothing to do with herself but drive kids to various activities and insert herself into every project they do. Her sense of self is entirely dependent on what her kids accomplish, and they all feel smothered and pressured to succeed. She could really use a job of her own to separate her personality from her kids and get some intellectual stimulation.
Finding the balance between the two may be possible, and is probably healthier for both mom and child. Maybe not with a 6 month old baby, but once kids are school age I think it's really important for moms to have a life of their own outside the home. I really don't have a plan for if/when I have kids, but I know I don't want to mirror either of the two examples above. :)
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