My Thoughts on Ordain Women (& Pants at Church)

I keep having conversations about Ordain Women, which is an especially hot topic around General Conference time (a couple weeks ago), so I figured I'd write down what I'm thinking regarding Ordain Women right at this moment. My thoughts will probably change over time, but here's what I think on the topic right now.

As you may have read awhile back, I came to feminism through motherhood. I now love the topic and all things related to it. One of those topics that has come to the forefront of the Mormon world recently has been whether women and men are treated equally within our church. For me the conversation really started with The Pants. A group of women, NOT the Ordain Women group, started Wear Pants to Church Day on December 16, 2012. It was to raise awareness about inequalities based on gender within the church. I didn't wear pants on this day, but I did start wearing them several months later on a regular basis. First and foremost, I was annoyed I hadn't thought of it first based completely on practicality. Pants on Sunday makes so much practical sense it just ain't even funny. I have long legs and it's hard to find flattering skirts that also cover my garments. This wasn't really a problem until I had kids and church became a three hour gymnastics routine. Wearing a skirt and chasing kids and covering garments? The speaker said what? It's just too much. So, Pants. Amazing! Glorious! Pants! They are like my new best friend. The good news is, in the various wards I've worn them in (Phoenix, AZ, Roosevelt, UT, Twin Fall, ID, Seattle, WA), I haven't received a bad comment. I have received a couple sideways glances. But the thoughts have stayed in the brains, and I've been grateful for that. Because the fact is: Pants don't matter. I hope that someone who showed up to any LDS meeting house wearing a bed sheet would be embraced lovingly. Even my own dad was good enough to be open minded about my cockaninny pants. Conversation in my parents' kitchen in Roosevelt, Utah two minutes before we left for church:

Dad: "You really didn't bring a skirt? You're SURE you didn't pack a skirt?"
Me: "Yes, I did bring a skirt, but I also brought pants. And today I want to wear pants. By the way, the church handbook says nothing specific about what you can and can't wear to church, it just says Sunday best, and pants can be Sunday best."
Dad: Goes into the other room to get something. Comes back out. "Well, actually, it doesn't matter what anyone wears to church, it just matters that you feel comfortable worshiping the Lord in it."
Me: "That's the spirit!"

He has a lot of wisdom. Good man.

I did wear pants to church on the most recent pants day, December 15, 2013. No one noticed. In Seattle wards especially, it's not uncommon to see women wearing pants. I still wear dresses and skirts, too. It's just nice to have another option on those days when I just can't handle the clothing tug-of-war. Could I wear maxi skirts and pioneer dresses? I could. But it doesn't seem dressy enough to me. See? We all get to decide what feels like our Sunday best. For some, maxi skirts are in the mix, and they are adorable. And for some, pants are in the mix, and sometimes even pantaloons, which my younger brother laughed at hysterically the last time I wore them. Thanks, Owen.

Moving on from the practical side of things. I do also like wearing pants to say what the women of Wear Pants to Church Day intended, which is, "Hey, I feel your pain. If you are a woman who has felt sad by things said in this church, I feel your pain. I have felt sad only a handful of times; I have felt mostly happy empowerment from this church, but I have also felt sad. Like really, really mad sad. So, I get it. I get the feelings of sadness and confusion that can come from being a woman in this church. Maybe men have felt it, too. Maybe everybody has felt it. But if you want to come to church anyway, you can sit by me." (I'm going all Joanna Brooks here with that one, she's all about inviting people to "her table." She's great, I like her, and I like her book, too.)

Now, onto Ordain Women. This is a group with a much more pointed goal than most Mormon feminists I have spoken with. The goal of Ordain Women is to achieve equality in the church by asking the church leadership to extend the priesthood to women. This is a concept most people in the church would say is extreme, and something most have not given even one second of thought to because it seems so bizarrely anti-Mormon. The priesthood as a male office is so core to our church, it disturbs a lot of people to even talk about the idea of women holding it. I remember myself going to the Community of Christ (formerly known as the Reorganized LDS Church) temple in Independence, Missouri when I was a teenager, and seeing women's portraits on the walls (women who held the priesthood in their church) and thinking "That is NOT how it's done." We have doctrines in our church that are very much, "THIS is how it's done." And we don't question it. A lot of people find comfort in that. But when a certain doctrine of the church does not sit well with you (for me a big one is polygamy), you can't help but question it.

And that is one of the first things I have to say I love about the Ordain Women group. They have asked a big, fat, uncomfortable question: Why don't women hold the priesthood? Forget the answer of, "Well, that's just the way it is," and really ask. It's a question I have really enjoyed mulling over. I keep going back to our pioneer prophet, Joseph Smith, who started this church by following the scriptural advice in the book of James, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God." And Joseph asked, "Which church is right?" That question started a church, the one I belong to. He set up a pattern by which we can all receive answers. I can ask God all the questions I want, and I can expect answers. 

I really like Article of Faith #9: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal and we believe that he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God."

I like the idea of continuing revelation regarding women in this church. I think it can only help our church stay relevant in modern society. (And if you think our church doesn't have an interest in staying relevant in modern society, then we'd best remove "latter-day" from the name.) The Ordain Women group seems to have pushed a couple revelations along such as the priesthood session live online broadcast, the change in the women's meeting being every six months instead of once a year, the women leadership portraits being displayed in the conference center, several talks addressing priesthood and women, women praying in conference. Things are changing at a glacial pace, but they are changing. And a bunch of it is because of Ordain Women. The change in missionary age came before Ordain Women started, and I loved, loved, loved, that announcement. I had a very spiritual/emotional response to it. And now I enjoy the outcome of that new revelation because of many sister missionaries who have come to my wards, eaten at my house, and been amazing examples to my kids and me. I am so happy to know my daughter will grow up in that encouraging environment. 

Back to the priesthood. It's defined in two parts on the church website: it's the power of God and it's the governing body of the church. Some days, I think it makes sense to extend the priesthood to women. But maybe only because I think it'd be good to rock the world of some alpha-male, patriarchal types. (Haha, nervous laugh, but seriously, they exist.) The fact remains that the highest, decision-making positions of the church are held by men. I'd like to hear from women more. Whether you call that giving them the priesthood or not, it doesn't matter to me. I'd like to see more women speak from the pulpit at Conference. I'd like to see more women be decision makers. I believe the men who lead our church are men of God, and they offer their own perspectives as MEN of God. That has proved helpful to me a lot of the time and not helpful to me some of the time. I'd love to hear from just as many women of God who can offer their perspectives from a life of being WOMEN of God. I always wish I could hear from the wives of the bishops, stake presidents, 70s, apostles, prophets. We all know they are amazing, and some are vocal (writing books, speaking in various settings church-wide) but many are quiet supporters. I know quiet supporters can be secret weapons, and many women do have a quiet influence in the world that will never be named (and I understand our church's high value placed on humility), but what if there were more women in prominent roles speaking to the masses? That would send a great message to all members about the value we place on women having a voice in this church.


I don't need the priesthood to serve. Just like men don't need the priesthood to serve. It doesn't matter to me how each of us serves, just that we do it, whether within church callings or in the community. I also don't care about baptizing kids or blessing babies. I am happy to see my husband doing these things. I love when my husband takes the lead in certain matters in our home/family life. It's honestly mostly a relief not to have to be in charge sometimes. I love that our church talks openly about gender roles. These are pretty outdated according to current culture, but they've helped me for the most part. I have been blessed by the support our church gives to women who are full-time mothers. It helps me immensely on a daily basis. 

But there are holes. Many women, due to factors outside their control, are now breadwinners, single moms, married and unable to have kids, or feel guilty if they choose to have kids and an occupation. The church places so much emphasis on achieving a traditional family that I think some women find themselves flailing when their paths and even their hearts take them elsewhere. I could totally relate to what Kate Kelly (founder of Ordain Women) said in her opening speech to her followers before they carried out their peaceful demonstration at our most recent General Conference (sorry, I can't find the video or I'd link to it) which was something about how she'd like to see a church prepare women not only for being leaders in their homes but being leaders elsewhere. Boom. Yes. Totally with her on that one.

I don't see myself crusading with the Ordain Women group anytime soon. I think the priesthood runs deep and wide and mysterious...yes, I think it's one of those things that God likes to keep us guessing on, at least right now. But without a doubt, the Ordain Women movement has gotten the leaders of the church thinking and wondering about the same question. And I think asking questions is a good thing.

#banperfect

Sheryl Sandberg has a project to ban the word "bossy" because she doesn't like how it's undercutting girls' ambitions to be leaders from a young age. I really like the idea. I have a young daughter who could be described as bossy, but I haven't yet and hope to never use the term when talking to her. She is "leadership oriented." Yes, I got that phrase from another mom at a playground here in Seattle who used that term to describe her daughter. We both had a good laugh about it and we could because as cheesy as that replacement term sounds, we know who these little girls are. They are natural, fierce little leaders, and man are they hard to raise! All I can do is hope I channel all of my daughter's energy in a constructive, appropriate way.

Drawing from that campaign, I've been thinking about how I'd really love to #banperfect. Maybe it's because I'm a lifelong Mormon or maybe all religious people can relate or maybe our society has had this impact on other people, but I think the word "perfect" helps no one.  First of all, in the scripture we always quote, Matthew 5:48, "Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect" the word "perfect" means in Greek "to be complete, finished, fully developed" as identified in the footnote. We can't be complete, fully developed and especially finished until we're dead. So why do we even use the word "perfect" to talk about our conduct in this life? The admonition to do so has never inspired me, it's only made me feel like I fall short.

So, I'd like to hear an end to these statements:

"I'm only human, I'm not perfect."

"I didn't do it perfectly, but..."

"I'm a perfectionist." I might give a pass on this one, because there are some things that you can be perfect at that can be really satisfying. But even then, it's not factual to say the sentence, "I made the most perfect brownies tonight!" because it's still relative. Does that make sense?

I'd like to hear more of these statements to inspire people:

"Try really hard."

"Do your best, and realize that your best is different than everyone else's."

"Be a nice person."

"Shoot for the moon, be happy if you land in the stars or whatever."

"Have fun in failure." (I stole that one from Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project.)

So what do you think, does my campaign to #banperfect have any traction? #hashtagthis

Easter for Your Keester

Well, my dears. Another Easter has come and gone. Yesterday was the egg hunt and today was a wonderful set of church meetings. Jesus, you are just really great. And Easter Bunny, you're pretty keen, too.

My friend, Morgan, set up the egg hunt at Woodland Park. Here she is reading a story to the kids while they wait for the hiding of the Easter eggs.

 And they're off!

 And a few minutes later, they're done! Here are Leif, Brielle, and Noah opening their eggs.

 Jonathan and Sienna were almost done.

 Sienna complained that she was sick, so she was not exhibiting any of her usual spunkiness, sadly.

 This morning, the Easter Bunny did not disappoint. Does your Easter bunny get mom and dad something, too? Mine does. Thanks, Easter Bunny!

 After church, the scooters were in the trunk and we parked far away from the house, so I had the kids scoot on home.

 Sienna kept posing like this and asking me to take a picture. So dignified, so regal, so avant garde. Meanwhile, Noah's just happy to be here.

 While Noah continued to enjoy my picture taking spree, Sienna turned sour.

 She stormed out of the "garden" (the name they use for our front "yard" which is another name for "small rock pile") and refused more pictures.

 Noah carried on with his "hamma stick."

 THEN, Daddy showed up and Sienna rallied. Hooray for that. Noah refused to put his sandals back on, not hooray for that.

 If one of our millions of neighbors who walk dogs constantly would have walked by just then, we could have gotten one of them to take a family picture with all of us. Alas, no neighbors or dogs showed.

 These will do just fine.

 Easter, that's a wrap!

Items of Note

Sienna has lost two teeth in the past couple months. I did not know that four-year-olds could lose their teeth. Adam has played tooth fairy both times. The first time he gave her a $20 dollar bill and the second time he gave her 5 cents. Consistency, isn't that what they say about parenting? Be consistent. Yep.

The smoke alarm in the kitchen did not - I repeat, did NOT - go off when the entire room was filled to the brim with smoke after I burned a bag of popcorn in the microwave (a cardinal sin, a terrible offense, a smell that never leaves) but it went off multiple times when something dripped onto the oven floor and sizzled, producing no smoke, and only a faint burned smell. Explain that, universe!

This is not a burnt bag of popcorn, but instead a lovely mushroom tart that contains 1.5 pounds of oyster, cremini and shiitake mushrooms in it. The kids loved it, I loved it, and Adam informed me that some people do not like mushrooms as much as me .... ahem ... he was speaking of himself. Oh well, at least the kids are on board. #fungusamongus

I have some advice to give: Don't ever get helium-filled balloons at the store with kids and think you will get them home (the kids or the balloons) without incident. Because the entire effort will be the incident. The most regrettable incident of your life. On Valentine's Day, I thought, "what a great love-filled gift to give each member of my family: a helium balloon." We all know kids thrive when given helium balloons to play with. If they swallow them after they are popped, they do not thrive. But when they are filled and floating, the children are happy for days. And I'd seen these mylar balloons in action at my friend's house, they were Dollar Store balloons and they lasted for-ev-er. I knew it'd be worth it. I got the three balloons I wanted (a pink heart for Sienna, a green monkey for Noah and a red/white I Love You heart for Adam), stood in line for three hours and walked out into the - wait for it - WIND. Was it windy before we'd gone into the store? No, no way. It wasn't windy ever. Not ever. But when one is possessed with a child to carry and three helium-filled balloons, the air decides it would like to own you and all of your goods and your dignity. I made it to the car with all three in my hand! Yes! I put them in the car and tried to buckle Noah in his car seat. One escaped out the open door. No! I was not taking Noah back in, but I was also not going to drive away without three. I left Noah in the car (bad mom) and went back inside to buy another, the monkey one for Noah. He knew it was his monkey one that was gone, and I knew I'd never be able to coax him to be okay with the Adam-intended one. I bought the balloon, came back out, and promptly ran into a hysterical homeless lady. She had a whole saga to share with me, asked me for $30, and I....I obliged. I gave her $30! Oh the generosity that one can induce on a day like Valentine's Day when the other one is caught up in getting a lousy balloon home to the one she loves. I put all three balloons in the trunk this time (smart), and went to the grocery store. After the grocery store trip, I forgot the balloons were in the trunk and almost lost them all when I opened it to put my groceries in (doh). I also forgot about them when I got home and opened the trunk again (doh). Adam's balloon escaped and I grabbed Sienna's by the skin of its ribbon. The whole thing was so stressful, by the time I got the remaining two balloons into the living room, I was spent. The moral of this story is either 1) don't buy helium balloons when you have to focus on anyone or anything else, they must be the only thing taking up space in your brain that day or 2) buy helium balloons at a normal grocery store where they've gotten wise enough to weight them with a plastic clippy that keeps them down even when you let go or you've been wise enough to clip to something that stays on the ground, like a cart or a child or anything that is not a cloud and not necessarily a child's finger; yet even then you will have to have a nice lady help you in the parking lot (if you are lucky enough to have a nice lady offer to help, which luckily happened the last time I attempted this nonsense at QFC) so you can get all your bizness into the car since the wind decided to make an appearance OUT OF NOWHERE.

This is the only picture I took on Valentine's Day. I was spent, but not too spent to make this ahhhhhh-mazing peanut butter nutty chunky monkey pie from Our Best Bites thank you very much.

I had a birthday in March. I started mixing up my cake (I was in the mood for carrot cake and cream cheese frosting) because I'm all about self-sufficiency and treating myself on my birthday and I didn't really see anyone else doing it or having time for it. But then Adam came home from church with time on his hands and insisted on finishing it. The result:

It was really all about the effort and the taste anyway, so 5-stars in my book. Good job, A-Ware.

Birthday morning fun with my birthday twin, Morgan. We ate twice-baked almond croissants at Bakery Nouveau and let the kids run free at the REI play place while discussing Ordain Women. Good stuff. P.S. Right when I put the words "women" and "the priesthood" together in a sentence at the bakery, her son fell and hit his head on the concrete floor. That ended that convo...until we got to the padded floor of REI, of course. 

Noah has figured out how to put his own pants on recently and one of the first times he did it, he put them on, stood up, put his fingers into his belt loops and simply said, "Bloops." I made him say it five more times because how genius is that word? He just saved us all .005 seconds of talking. Belt + loops = bloops. Easy.

Speaking of pants, wear pants to church! It just makes sense. Or pantaloons, if you're feeling wishy washy (as seen here).

In explanation of this next picture, here's Noah again, "This is my hamma (hammer) stick, I need to chop fings (things)." Hammer sticks chop things, remember that.

Adam said "Hallelujah!" at the table the other day and Noah repeated him by saying, "Hell yeah!" One of the moms at Sienna's preschool told me her daughter used to say HUH instead of FLUH, so when they got a new floor installed in their home, the daughter went around saying, "Mommy, I love our new whore!" Gotta love our foul-mouthed children.
Speaking of whores, we passed one on our sidewalk in front of our house a couple weeks ago, the kids and I. We live in a great neighborhood!

Noah and Sienna were both looking at The Friend magazine last week and Noah kept saying, "Mazagine, mazagine, mazagine. Mom how do you say that word?" And Sienna tried herself but only came up with "mazagine, mazagine, mazagine" and knew something was clearly wrong about it. I said it correctly a few times and they still could not get un-stuck. Funny stuff.


We were eating lasagna and Noah was saying it his way over and over, "Basanyah, basanyah..." Sienna emphatically corrected him by saying, "No! Basaneeeyah." Good try, kids. Good try.

Sienna has had lice for what feels like 14 years. What a learning experience. In the midst of it, Noah has also had croup for which we were at the hospital, including ER (unnecessarily) while the doctors tried to figure out what it was. At one point Sienna had pink eye. Then randomly Noah got hives two days in a row. We seem to all be fine now, though. Wait, Adam is allergic to all the pollen. So, that blows. His nose. All Kleenexes gone, must go shopping.

 Sums it up:

Noah's always got some kind of Delmar (sticky-uppy hair named after my 7th grade science teacher Delmar Hamblin) going on lately. 

 Sienna's always got some kind of princess get-up happening.

And finally, on our way to church last Sunday, my kids actually did not look homeless.  Just full of it. And also really tall!

Elma & Allen

My brother, Allen, was in town yesterday and Friday for a job interview. He came down to Elma, Washington with us for Adam's bike race. We didn't see much of the race but the kids enjoyed their own biking and hanging with that crazy uncle from California.

 I can't believe how well they smiled for pictures with him! They never smile for pictures. Allen's got the magic picture taking touch. #winningsmiles

 And here's a #winningsmile we're all happy to see. Adam was really happy with the way this race went (as opposed to last week's race).

 He had a mud-flecked face to show for it. He explained that it was probably manure, not mud. The cyclists had been sprayed by farm sprinklers that everyone agreed smelled like sh**, so, there you have it folks. Come to Elma and get sprayed by sh**.

 The kids were happy to see him. Noah had just biffed it twice coming down the hill, so he was needing some dad-reassurance.

 Sienna's gotten really good on her glider bike, so I think it's time to put the pedals back on! Woot! Adam asked her today if that's what she wanted and she replied, "That would be great!"

 Family picture time. The calendar says spring but that does not mean I'm not still freezing all the time. I am. Hence, bundling.

 Sienna exclaimed, "I'm starving!" and then moments later..."what does starving mean?" So were the rest of us. Smitty's In & Out hit the spot. Except no indoor seating. Hmmm.

 Greasy burgers, fries, tots, curly fries, corn dogs, milk shakes. That's the America dream realized right there.

Thanks for coming, Al. (Turns out we are putting our guest bedroom to good use afterall! Woot!)

Benatchio

We visited my cousin, Carrie, in Wenatchee a couple weeks ago, and as I was getting the kids ready for our trip, Noah kept asking, "When we goin' to Benatchio?" It took me a few minutes to figure out what he was talking about.

 He had put his favorite nut into the mix! Pistachio + Wenatchee = Benatchio. Mystery solved.

The trip was wonderful as always. We got to see the sun and Carrie and all of her adorable kids. Frozen was on repeat, and the kids loved that of course.

 Their dog, Grizz, was out and about always ready to play.

 "I wish we had a dog," said the kids over and over and over and over. Noah is holding his Bad Guy Sword #1 in this picture.

 Country roads and kids running down them. Ahhhhh, the best thing in the whole wide world.

 Sienna remembered the swing in the orchard from our last visit in October. How idyllic is this place?!

 Lucy is a free spirit, as well as a very fast and busy little human.

 We had to go to a house with all girls for Noah to have his first encounter with a real, genuine Bad Guy Sword. At home he has to make do with sticks.

 As you can see, he is in little boy heaven.

 Silly little adorable Lucy on the swing. She is just the best. Too bad I didn't get any other photos of the other girls. Violet was asleep and Ruby was in school.

 Noah discovered more Bad Guy Swords in Grandma Merilyn's house.

 Behold, Bad Guy Swords #2 and #3.

 Now Noah gets a turn.

 They spent a large chunk of time throwing rocks into the Columbia River. Gorgeous views on all sides!

 And finally, Bad Guy Sword #4.