The Day the Vacuum Died

We were never to know when we woke up that morning of September 19 what epic events would follow. My mom was vacuuming the dining room rug. The children were hovered around laughing hysterically, typical behavior when the vacuum is turned on. Noah was wearing a favorite of his, the brown bear backpack with the leash or, as we call it, Noah's tail. My mom thought she could kick the tail out of the way in time, but no. No. No! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

The children turned from laughing hysterically to crying hysterically. The vacuum, our vacuum, the hand-me-down from a neighbor we had in Vista, California six years ago when Adam and I were newlyweds. It ... It was dead. The tail was beyond rescue. Such wailing ensued!

Sienna loathed the vacuum early on and grew to hate it more with each year. Noah came along and didn't mind it so much. Sienna had lots of time outs with the vacuum. I asked her to hug it here. I'm a mean mom.

 While she couldn't stop talking about the demise of the vacuum all day, she'd really rather keep it at arms' length.

 The trip to get a new vacuum was just as exciting as seeing the old Eureka kick the bucket. We always talk about the vacuums when we see them at the store, but this time it was awe-inspiring to be getting one down from the shelf and touching it. She loves and fears our new vacuum, just as she did the old. It definitely looks less threatening and the noise is hardly intimidating. Maybe she will turn out okay after all.

Super Scary Scar

Boo! A little pre-Halloween fun happening here. Fun facts about my incision:

- I asked a doctor, "So, what do they use to cut me open, an electric knife?" I imagined someone carving a nice, juicy Thanksgiving turkey. The doctor looked at me and said, "More like electric SAW." Goo. I got the shivvies.

- My surgeon, upon inspecting my incision a few days after surgery, said proudly, "See? No stitches, just crazy glue." Haha. Ha. Ha. ha..... Seriously? YEP. Crazy glue. Those Asians!

- My incision is crooked.

- Titanium wires are holding my sternum together while it heals and beyond. They will be inside me forever more. It kind of weirds me out just thinking about it.

- I had chest tubes coming out of me for three days following the surgery, draining blood and other fluids. That was interesting. So now I'll have those scars, too. Awesome!

Here's the before and after:

Goodbye perfect skin.

See this look on my face? I've already lost my hard-earned tan and I have a crooked gash down my cleavage. I am so ticked off.

But I guess being alive is cool, too.

Got Me a Shiny New One of These...

Last week on this evening Adam and I were wrapping up a nice Labor Day with the kids. The day was spent basking in togetherness. We did errands, let Noah nap, and spent the afternoon at the pool at Pecos Park. Around 7 pm we dropped off the kids at my cousin Greg's house in Mesa. His incredibly warm and loving wife, Kristin, was thanking ME for letting the kids stay at her house. She genuinely loves kids, a trait for which I am always grateful to find in others because I often lack it. Adam and Greg gave me a blessing and Kristin sent me on my way with a gift bag of stuff to take to the hospital. She worked as an RN before she had kids and must've been a good one. She knows how to make even people who aren't patients yet feel at ease.

Adam and I went home and filled out a living will and power of attorney documents from the hospital pamphlet I'd received a week earlier. I was told I could have 2 hospital volunteers be my signing witnesses and the documents would be as good as any legal ones should we need them. Aortic valve replacement surgery has a 1-2% mortality rate and we were a little nervous. Especially when Adam put it like this, "You are in a room with 49 other people and one of you dies."

"Yes.... but all those others are old and unhealthy and I'm young and healthy."

"Good point."

We were still nervous. I couldn't sleep until my brother Allen texted me pictures of his twin newborn boys "praying" for me. They were just sleeping really cutely.

We arrived at Banner Heart Hospital in Mesa at our allotted 5:45 am. Everything moved quickly and soon the anesthesiologist was helping the surgeon wheel my bed toward to operating room. Blackness overcame me before they even turned one corner.

I look at the clock and it's 2 pm and I have tubes down my throat. Adam and the nurse are talking loudly above me and I want to yell, "SHUT UP! I'm awake and I can hear everything you're saying!" I was told before surgery the breathing tubes and possibly a trans-esophageal echo tube (camera looking at my heart) would be in for several hours after surgery. I summoned my pain-management/calming tools I'd practice before my births: imagery and deep breathing. Since I couldn't really breathe deeply, I imagined myself gazing at Buchart Gardens in Victoria, Canada. Then I'd gag and cough and try to tear out the tubes and everyone would freak out and I'd make myself calm down again. An hour would pass. Then I'd gag and cough and try to tear out the tubes and everyone would freak out and I'd make myself calm down again. That happened at least one more time until I think around 5 or 6 pm someone said, "Okay, the tubes can come out. You need to cough." And up they slid. It was horrible. That was a terrible chunk of a day I'd rather not relive. Then came the overwhelming thirst. I was still too drugged to be able to open my eyes but I could hear people talking and I understood that Adam was in charge of feeding me ice chips and water in restrained amounts. But I was SO. THIRSTY. I was trying to be obedient but I drank just a sip too much and up came everything. The nurses lectured Adam. I felt bad for him since I was the one who drank, oh, maybe a tablespoon too much. Throwing up was a big part of my existence throughout the next few days even though I was mostly still just on liquids. It was horrible.

I chose the tissue aortic valve which means I will probably have to relive this terrible surgery in 10-15 years. But let's push that thought aside for now.

The great thing about that day, even while the tubes were in, was having the happy feeling of knowing that the surgery was over and I was still alive. It was a very happy feeling, indeed. More life to live, with a better heart to live it with! The surgeon gave his own report after the surgery and all I remember hearing is the word, "Perfect." Later Adam did confirm that he'd said, "The surgery went perfectly. I took out her old valve, which was unicuspid, which is very rare, and I sewed in a cow valve. I also shaved back 1 1/2 inches of her obstructive heart muscle on one side and 1 inch on the other side." I love my little Asian surgeon. He just fixed my heart and next week when I see him I'm going to give him a very insufficient side hug (not supposed to use my arms much).

I got home from the hospital on Saturday and have been convalescing at home. My mother-in-law is taking expert care of my little ones and the ward is bringing food and play dates. Before the surgery so many people let me know they were fasting and praying for me and it brought so much peace. It's kind of unfortunate to be known in the new ward only as the girl who needs heart surgery. But everyone has been so kind and loving and caring. Someday soon we won't be the ward service opportunity, so for now I will bask in the deliciousness of other peoples' cooking.

Coming to Arizona knowing we'd need to find a heart surgeon pretty fast was overwhelming. It would have been so much easier to pull this off in Seattle where I loved my cardiologist and we felt like we had a solid ward family. In the past few months I have felt like so many people in the scriptures who wander in the wilderness without really understanding where they are going to be led. We asked everyone we knew for ideas and input about the medical scene here and we prayed a lot we were definitely led. I met with two cardiologists and two surgeons and really liked all of them. I leaned toward Dr. Green and Dr. Gang for no other reason except I just felt extra good about them. They both seemed to understand the complexity of my condition and were ready to make a plan and move forward. They have taught me things about my heart that I've never understood. They have both been remarkable in every way. It's strange the amount of trust you have to put in a doctor, especially a surgeon. But I have felt led by God to the right people and the trust came with it.

And now! I'm on the mend! Just one week beyond surgery I am gaining strength and able to hang out with my kids during the day. I have to hug my trusty heart pillow when I'm moving around to remind myself not to use my arms much and to keep everyone at a distance. It's been hard not to hold my kids and lift them and play with them like I used to. Sienna can sit next to me on the couch to read books but Noah is a little bit lost wondering why his mama isn't helping him out at all. Thank goodness for Diane and all her energy. She is doing all the heavy lifting and the kids are thriving despite Armless Mom with The Weird Heart Pillow. Adam is out of town today until Thursday but he's been a good and patient caretaker, too. He stayed with me all those silent days in the hospital when I was in a drug-induced stupor. Before we know it, several months will be gone and I'll be back to full time momming without my heart pillow, just a heart as good as new and pumping strongly for everyone around me. Ahhhh. It'll feel so good.

Now for some very exciting photos!

Day before surgery I bought three high neck shirts all the same kind in different colors. My lovely, tan chest is about to get a hacking and these will cover it up nicely.

 See? My heart pillow is the best. My IV, not really the best. That remote to call the nurses and change the channel? Another best.

 I had a big tube in my throat called a swan. I'm still unsure why. But I sure was glad to not be sleeping on it after they took it out. My patched up chest wound. Goo, I dreaded to see what lay beneath.

 Even high on happy drugs, Bill Clinton blathers too much for my taste. Also, hospital jello a little too sweet for my taste.

 First shower. Ahhhhhhhhh! All kinds of ahhhhh. Especially surrounded by warm blankets. Put that on my "hospital like list" - warm blankets warmed up in their own special warming machine. Brilliant!

 They want the incision to be free! I don't! It's Halloween all up in here! Not so pleasant, but there she is.

All for the sake of getting this unicuspid monster out. Thanks a lot, valve! I asked my doctor to take as many pictures as possible (I'd love to see the whole surgery on film if I could) but he said this was the only one he got because, "I was a little busy." Ha. Great sense of humor, Dr. Gang. Also, great glasses!

And now happy to be home in my own bed with my own suitcase propping up my computer. I tried getting into LOST today. Nope, not happening. Any other good shows you'd recommend? I have some time on my hands and just finished my book.

 
The others have been taken good care of by Grandma Ware and she sent me pictures every day at the hospital. Isn't she the best?

Here they all are post nap.

 The DQ!

 Children's Museum.

Thanks everybody for loving us and caring about us during this time. I'm loving you with all my shiny new pumper can love.

Pool Rats

These photos sum up July and August. Pool, pool and more pool. It has been heavenly!

Sienna is fearless when it comes to jumping off the diving board. She can even swim to the side on her own! 

Noah's mastered swimming alone with his life vest. He's like, "See? No big deal."

May Noah never lose that belly. NEVUH!

I'd like to buy a double stroller but until then this works okay.

Popcorn is a favorite poolside snack.

When life gives you old, yucky watermelon, make watermelon juice. It's really good.

Marilee Visit

At the beginning of August I invited myself to my friend Marilee's house for a few days. She was my one of my best friends during that special awkward time of junior high and the beginning of high school (when she moved away, sadly). Anyone who's willing to be friends with you in junior high is a good friend indeed. She lives in Tucson now with her husband and children. It was such a blast to reconnect with her. She even unearthed some old notes she had saved that I'd written to her when I was bored in history class in high school. What a trip! I had a crush on about five boys, talked about how hungry and bored I was, and used words like "freakin'" and "fetchin'". Ahhh, some things never change.

Her daughter Laya is 5 and was such a good little friend to Sienna.

Here's Noah chowing on some pretzels.

Tucson's skies! They were magnificent! And it's about five degrees cooler than Phoenix! Sign me up!
Here's Laya teaching Sienna how to roll down the hill.

Noah and Eli were just happy to be fed.

We got ambitious in the kitchen with pizza and cookies and ended up with shiny, sweaty faces.

 Marilee just had her third baby a few weeks after we left, on the 16th. You wouldn't have even noticed in this picture if I hadn't told you, right? She is one fit mama.

 Her sweet little 3 year old Eli.

They have an excellent backyard with a huge grapefruit tree and this perfect little playhouse/pool combo. Idyllic, I tell you.

 Noah tastes his first Otter Pop. He's a fan.

 On the way home we stopped at DQ, went to the bathroom, came out, looked outside and the sky had turned from blue to an eerie white/brown. DUST STORM. It was insane.

Not a bad place to kill some time, the DQ. So we stayed for a half hour then ventured out again and drove home in this wall of dirt.

I've never experienced anything like it. 

Thanks for a wonderful time, Marilee!

The Children I Care For

A hodge podge of mother-thoughts from me to you:

*WHY. DOES. IT. HAVE. TO. BE. SO. HARD.

*Kids are hard. They are more hard than fun, cute, sweet and dear all combined. People told me that. I hated them for it. And now I am living it. I remember it not being so hard for awhile starting when Sienna was 18 months and lasting until Noah was born, when she was 25 months. Otherwise, hard, hard, hard. MUCH harder with two. But I don't see when it won't be hard. And that's what makes it all the more hard.

*Adam described Sienna perfectly the other day when my friend, Marilee, who'd not yet met my kids, was over and asking what Sienna was like. He said, "She's half sweetheart, half terrorist." No truer words were ever spoken. She defies all logic. Yes, she is 3, which means she is likely supposed to defy logic. It's all part of the phase. But, seriously. What planet did she come from? I scratch my head every day. Living with her is like living on a beautiful island in Hawaii next to a constantly erupting volcano. The scenery is lovely when she's sweet, but absolutely horrifying when she's exploding.

*We still call her Bird, Birdie or Bird Turd (under my breath). She will always be Bird. And I love that.

*She is killing it with the potty training. I started training her on Monday, July 16th and she hasn't had an accident for two weeks! It is making me love her through all the hard times. She loves peeing in the master bathroom toilet the best. She disappears for awhile, then runs out with no pants and says, "I peed!" Then I go help her put her panties and skirt or pants back on. Then we wash hands. Then she gets a treat! She poops, too! No big freaking deal! She just poops like it ain't no thing. Ahhhh, it makes me so happy. She even wears panties during nap time and does fine! Last night Adam accidentally left her panties on at bedtime and she woke up dry! She is just owning this potty thing. It is sooooooo awesome. I will gladly give her treats for a year after she uses the toilet. That is how I will pay her back for making the job I dreaded most come so easy.

*Noah's nicknames vary in levels of ridiculousness, but I think the one we use most at this point is Nobers. He is also The Great Magnificent Mysterious Magical Noberino or Noberini. Or just simply Mr. Nobers or Mr. Noah. To me, personally, his biggest fan (he returns the sentiment), he is just about any mushy term of endearment. For, you see, I have a crush on him.

*Lately my parenting strategy could be summed up in three easy steps. Pay attention, you never know when you will need this. 1. Try. 2. Give up. 3. Stop caring. It is a cycle that occurs at least 15 times per day. Example: "Sienna, stop splashing me in the face! Nobody likes to be splashed in the face." She keeps splashing anyway. Not wanting to get out of the pool to put her in time out, I give up. Then I proceed to splash her in the face. I guess this strategy is also known as: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. You older parents, let me know if this is going to work long-term. Or if I should even do the "Try" part at all. Or if I should really "Try" not to "Give up." Oh well, too late. I've already stopped caring.

Parenting and Phoenix and Cycling

*I've been thinking about patience as a muscle lately. It just came to me. One day we were all driving in the car and it was around 110 degrees outside and we were all flipping out. Noah was crying, Sienna was screaming, Adam was nigh on losing his marbles, and I ... I just had an epiphany. Oh, did I mention we were completely lost and due to meet someone 15 minutes ago? It happens when you move to a new place and the AC doesn't work when the outside temperature is over 100. Anyway, I decided right there that I would flex my patient muscle. I realized it was a good visualization mechanism because it seemed like something I could control. Keep screaming kids, I can flex this muscle all day. Not really. But I will try. 

*Which brings me to last week. The Worst Week I've Had in a Long Time. We got used to having Adam around for about a month, so when he left for Amazon training in Seattle last Sunday, I knew it would suck. I was right. It was like being thrown into the lion's den. It didn't help that it was also the week I decided to 1) cut down on TV time for the kids, from 2-3 movies per day to 1 only in the evening, 2) delete dairy products from my diet after reading that it changed the complexion of one blogger, and 3) start potty training Sienna. I don't even know where to begin. Not turning on TV first thing in the morning was terrible. It meant I had to pay attention to the little people and maybe even (gulp) play with them (which bores me to tears 98.4% of the time). No dairy was fine in the milk department, but there was a particularly low point when I was handing out string cheese to my kids and did not partake. I lasted 5 days on that diet ... 'twas a bowl of cheese tortellini with Parmesan cheese on top (my childhood favie) that undid me. I could totally do that diet if I didn't feed my kids cheese and pasta and sometimes cheese and pasta combined into perfect little tortellini loops of pasta perfection. Sigh. I didn't see any signs of improvement really. But I'm pretty sure after I went back on, I broke out. So maybe I did improve. But probably not (or at least that's what I tell myself when I bite off the end of my mozza stick). Potty training ... well, somehow I calmed down a bit and Sienna grew up a bit and it happened to be a really good combination of changes because she hasn't had an accident since Wednesday. I'm not getting my hopes up, because there are usually potty problems that crop up here and there. Monday, Tuesday and especially Wednesday (The Day She Pooped in the Pool) were not so great. But then I think the cold shower after her Pool Poop was the wake up call. She understood consequences, and suddenly she was peeing in her little Froggy Potty with regularity, excitement, and precision. Now she just needs to poop. AND NOT IN THE POOL!

*The thing about coming from a place like Seattle to a place like Phoenix is that it's a relief. It's a relief to wake up and not wonder if the sun is going to come out. It just comes out. It comes out in full force. And that's all there is to it. I knew that this happened in places. Yes, I used to live in Southern California, you know. But here there is a warmth (ahem, a searing, scalding kind) that you don't have to question. It's chilly AC inside, it's a warm (hot, suffocating) blanket outside. It feels nice that it's not the other way around for once in 2 years.

*We were in a dust storm last night! We saw it in the distance as we were driving to Trader Joe's, a big, cloud-like wall of brown, then when we were done shopping, we stepped out into it. It wasn't as severe as I thought it'd be, but yes I did have a tad bit of grit in my eyes and teeth. And Noah was like, "Huh?" HE'S SO CUTE in case you were wondering.

*Another observation about Phoenix. I went to Home Depot the other day for spray paint. It was a little after 5 pm and I was dreading it because I thought for sure it'd be crazy busy. Nope, hardly a soul. I thought, "What is going on?? It's always busy here, especially at this time!" I had a thought: "Everybody has new houses, why would they need a fix-it-up place like this?" In Seattle, there is no shortage of old, fixer uppers that need plenty of the kind of stuff inside Home Depot. Just a thought. Who knows? Anyone care to fill me in on this?

*Adam took a most excellent bike ride which he said was the perfect ending to his wonderful time as a UW student (these guys were his classmates and some of his closest friends in the program). His friends posted pictures on Facebook, and I'd like to impart them to you now.